I have to be careful not to put unhealthy dependence and expectations on my bible. Yea, it is important and it is good. Full of wisdom and truth and the character of God.

But I have found myself attaching God to my bible. 

As in, He’s there when it is open but once I close it, I’m “on my own again” and nothing seems to change.

I’m not sure when this tendency started or if it has always been there. But I’ve limited God to the confines of a leather bound paper and ink filled book. I deeply treasure the wisdom, prayers, truth and revelation I’ve scrawled throughout the pages. But maybe I treasure the words more than the relationship. Ouch.

I know this to be true because I think about losing this particular bible and I’m instantly devestated and anxious. I feel like I would lose everything. My faith would feel shaky and God would be unreachable and distant.

My Bible has become my idol. 

So how on earth did this happen? I’m working through the answers. But a huge chunk of it comes down to just trusting God.

Do I really trust that he is good and just and for me? The words say so. I can see them and remember. But when it comes down to my relationship with God, I’m weary. I don’t fully trust that he is always good to me, that he loves me unconditionally.

I listen to Christian podcasts and devour books by the dozen, soaking in every word about how God has shown up for everyone else. I’ve staked my faith on the stories of God’s presence in others lives. Why? Because when they tell their story there’s the struggle, the day God met them there and the beautiful blessings that came out of it. I can hear the full story of that season and know God was good to them.

With my story, in this season, I don’t know the ending. I’m still waiting on God to show up and secretly terrified that I’ve already missed out on our divine meeting.

I wish I could wrap this up nicely in a big bow and tell you that I’ve seen the light (pun intended) and me and God are good now. But it’s a work in progress. It’s hard and messy and not at all what I believed a “good christian” should look like. I mean shouldn’t this all have clicked by now?

I’m wrestling with God and that’s a hard thing to admit. But I say this in the hopes that other people won’t be afraid to be honest about where they are with God and how they are feeling. I finally started admitting my fears and feelings to God and I know He can handle that.

God wants my heart. Not my perfect appearances or pretty prayers.

So, I’m learning to pray a little harder and more honestly. Dig into the Bible for myself and keep showing up there. Even when my well is still dry and there’s no trace of water, even through the pain of my blistered hands and aching heart, I’m digging deeper. I know He is there. I know he had never left me. 

But it’s time for me to put in the hard work and find Him for myself.