A Rambling Heart-to-Heart

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted any writing. Or really sat down to write much of anything at all. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to say, or because I feel like I’m not inspired. Honestly, the opposite is true, I have too much to say. So much I want to share with you. I daily feel the unbearable itch to write, maybe stronger than before. But I can’t help but wonder, why won’t the words come out? Why won’t I settle into this old chair and give them their desired space on the page?

Maybe I’m afraid of what the words have to say… Of what they may reveal about the intimate desires hidden inside my heart and the crippling fear I desperately try to outrun.

I have been maneuvering along through motherhood like always. Figuring out new nap time schedules and trying to change up the lunch menu to avoid boredom in my kid’s appetites (an actual science, might I add!) I have also been attempting to figure out how best to lead my teachers as their director. This feels impossible when you are an enneagram 2, people pleasing, servant hearted, non-confrontational girl who feels like a fraud in a leadership position. I am the youngest on the team and somehow in charge of them because I have more experience in this particular school/position/area. Imposter syndrome is a real jerk y’all.

I want to tell you about the washing machine breaking, the day only 1 of my teachers showed up to work, the dreams of homesteading I just can’t shake, how I’m in full survival mode raising this wild, blue-eyed toddler. I want to explain how I feel like a stranger to myself, yet I can’t imagine not being that person in my reflection. I want to hold your hand and gush all day long about the goodness of God in my life. Where I’ve seen His hand moving today, this week, this very minute. If only you knew the desperate, tear-stained, breath-shaking prayers I’m sending up in the dead of night. I long for you to hear the word “eucharisteo” and how it’s actually changing my entire life to live within gratefulness.

I promise that I will tell you all of these things. Soon.

I’m in a shifting season. A settling in season. Cooler weather is permanent in the forecast, the trees are bare, and I feel the urge to cozy up, move a little slower, write a little more. There’s no reason to hustle here with you, no need for flashiness or expectations. I hope you know that there’s no need for you to hustle or meet any expectations here either. I have to trust that you will come and read my words and chat with me and live life alongside me because you want to. That thought process hasn’t failed me yet. I do hope to keep meeting you here, on this tiny corner of the Internet. Even if (okay, when) I ramble on and don’t use the right SEO buzz words to appeal to google searches and stray from my “usual content”.

I hope you enjoy being here as much as I enjoy showing up with you too. I mean this as sincerely as possible…Thanks for joining me this morning, friend.

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