“You pray for a blessing. But as soon as it becomes unexpectedly hard or messy, you pray for it to go away…”
I’m gonna be real with y’all. I prayed hard for a house. For almost 3 years. We were blessed with a great apartment and spent 2 years there learning how to do married life, job changes, navigating heartbreak and faith, and parenting 2 kids together. It was such a sweet and treasured time, for me especially.
But we still prayed for a house. With a backyard. No upstairs neighbors. Somewhere to call our very own.
When God finally answered that prayer, we were overjoyed. Our home was built in the 70s and there were things we knew needed a little (or a lot of) attention. But it was ours and we were ecstatic.
Only one year later and we are more overwhelmed than overjoyed. Feeling defeated most days. Anything, everything but peaceful.
In just a year we had dealt with no heat the first few days of winter weather, a struggling AC unit in the summer, mice, ants, German roaches, mold, fleas from a stray that kept getting in the yard, backed-up plumbing due to tree roots…most of that all within the last 4 months. I need a breath.
I’m still thankful for this house. I’m thankful we can afford it after this past year and with me not working. I’m thankful it has provided us a little place to get away from the world, to raise our family.
But I don’t think that being thankful means glossing over the hard parts about the blessing. I don’t think God expects us to just hide all the messy, frustrating things that happen. We do live in a broken world after all. That’s just the fact. Hard things happen. Something breaks, pests move in and the timing is always terrible.
Believe me, if this was the Sims game, I would’ve demolished the house and started over twice by now. But it isn’t. It’s ok to admit when things are too hard and messy and overwhelming for you. It’s ok to be frustrated and upset and want to quit. That just means you are human.
What I’m learning is it is not ok to wallow in the hard and messy and overwhelming places. I can’t set up camp there and refuse to move. I can’t give up because it got too stressful or I don’t have answers or I’m just over it. Even though I want to stomp my feet, cry and throw in the towel.
This is when I am reminded that my first step is to hit my knees and pray. “God, this is too much. I don’t even know what to do. We don’t have the money for this. This is the worst timing. God, I need you to step in. Fill me with your peace, your strength, your understanding. Help me to trust in your plan because you are always good. You are always kind. And your love for me is unending. My world feels so shaky, remind me that your word is solid.”
I wish I could say that I pray and instantly life is sunshine and rainbows again. But we both know it isn’t. What does happen though? My faith is a little stronger. I trust in God’s goodness a little more. He gives me the strength to do this for one more day.
And tomorrow I will pray for strength again. It’s like the manna in the desert. He gives you exactly what you need that day. You just have to ask for it.
So, tomorrow morning I will get up, thank God again for this house and then slowly tackle issues that need tending too. Maybe part of my struggle with the chaos and imperfection surrounding this house is the parallel I feel to my own life… But today is not the day for God and I to tackle that beast.
In the mean time, I hope all of these words gifted something to you. I know I taught myself something through this post. I’m a verbal processor and there is something so therapeutic about writing things down. Thank you for reading along and letting me share a piece of my heart this morning.